On the Pulse of Agedness...

Or what I learned in the past year. No more ranting. Only lovely wonderful thoughts tonight.

1. In April, I learned how to ride a motorcycle this year. I passed the Motorcycle Foundation New Rider Safety Course and officially got the "M" added to my driver's license. A few caveats:

(a) I nearly failed the eye test that the DMV gave me after I passed the course. This was pretty dicey. My every-changing field of vision made it so that when I was asked to read a row of letters, I didn't see the final column. When the tester asked about the final column, I said something like, "Hunh?" But then I tipped my head to the side and was able to see it. For safety's sake, until this thyroid related eye disease runs its course (almost there), it is best to stay wrapped in a metal cocoon when I take to the road.

(b) I have not ridden for a second since taking the road test. The Hubbins' road pig is too much bike for a newbie so I have not practiced at all.

But, when the zombies attack and all the arteries leading from the city are clogged with the automobile-tombs of the dead, I can grab the Harley Sportster conveniently sitting on the side of the road, zip around the cars, and escape to the mountains.

2. Connecticut may seem like a stuffy haven for Thurston and Lovey, but we are one of the more progressive states in the Union. Civil Unions have been legal for several years now, we are one of maybe 5 states that guarantee a women's right to breastfeed, and gay marriage is now legal. Take THAT New York, where Mets fans can be accosted for feeding their babies.

3. I've discovered that if I sit on my but for 12 hours a day and get no exercise, I will gain weight. Like a scientist, though, I have no use to which I should put this knowledge. More importantly, though, I attended my 20 year high school reunion and not only am I not the fattest (by a LONG SHOT), so many of the beautiful people from high school looked old. I mean, we all aged, but they had nasty skin caked an inch thick with foundation. I felt like Gulliver in that world of the giants...

That said, the good thing is that I caught back up with people I haven't spoken with in 20 years, and have become friends with people I just could not have considered ever liking in high school (wrong hair, wrong music, wrong clothes -- the usual rational high school stuff).

Right, getting hassled to engage with family. Perhaps more later.

Pre-Birthday Rant

It's been my practice, on the day before my birthday, to review the prior year to give voice to what I learned. I've decided to add a new tradition this year: the rant 2 days before my birthday. (I recognize that it is now technically the day before my birthday, but I haven't gone to sleep yet and I wrote out my list of rant issues on 10/29, so I'm going with it.)

1. Can the sistah step up? Would all the hatin' on Sarah Palin, and her relative lack of experience, be quite so vociferous if she were male? Would anyone question whether a smart male with political leadership experience and abilities could step up to the job of El Jefe if fate thrust him into that position? Yes, Sarah Palin is a neophyte in the national political arena and in the international arena. So was Bill Clinton and he is now regarded as one of the best presidents of the last 25 years. I see that she is inexperience, but I also see someone who is smart enough, if thrust into that role, to rely on the judgment of the people who surround her until she's got the experience to stand on her own. Just like Bill Clinton. (Disclaimer, I recognize that politically there is a deep chasm, infested with sharks with frickin' laser beams on their frickin' heads, between Palin and Clinton. This is strictly experience, leadership, ability to learn OTJ.)

2. 80s Retro Revisionist History. Reality: Popular music in the 1980s was dominated by saccharine ballads (Lionel Richie, Whitney Houston, Debbie Gibson), slutty dance tunes (Stacy Q, LisaLisa, Madonna), painful metalhead crap (Twisted Sister, Poison), and Michael Jackson.

Revisionism: Popular Music in the 1980s was dominated by British Technopop (Depeche Mode, Human League), New Wave/Alternative Music (The Cure, New Order), REM, U2 and whatever else I was listening to at the time.

I am greatly vexed by this. I suffered for good music back in the day. Now the Man is trying to make it his own. Not cool.

3. Tips for Takeout. Did the tipping convention in this country change and no one tell me. My understanding was that you tip for service -- table service, delivery service, hair styling. I have long been slightly put off when I pay for food with a card and the "merchant's copy" has a tip line, but I can't expect them to reprogram the machines for take out. But let's be clear -- the person handing you your boxed pizza is no more than a cashier and counterperson. No tip expected, right?

Unfortunately, the chicks at my favorite pizza joint have certain expectations that make me want to slap them. It is kind of a bistro setting -- seating for no more than 50, live jazz on the weekends, sexy salads, etc. -- and my family hates the place. So I only get take out. But the last 2 times I was there I paid cash and the pizza box deliverer asked, "do you need change"? And I'm like, "yes", and she harumphs because they don't have a cash register and she has to find paper money and coins in some jar, and she's all huffy because she probably isn't going to be tipped for handing me my pizza box. I'mma kick her ass next time.

So, did I sleep through the day when they announced the change of this convention?

4. Sci-Fi Network. Only television station in the world where a single season of a show can span 2 full years, with a year-long hiatus in the middle of the season.

5. First Year Quasi-Lawyers - ours is going into service with the government for several years starting in January and thinks that that means she can and should work 8 hour days because (as she apparently said to someone yesterday), "What is Dungeon Master going to do? Fire me??" I'm thinking...yes if the bitch don't step up and quick. I'm working twice as many hours as she does and I'm supposed to be leaving before her. And I'm going to have the Dungeon Master's ear Tuesday thru Thursday next week as we go on yet another California trip.

6. My Stupid Mouth (crafting) - why, when I have no time to breath and even forgot to tell The Hubbins about the California trip next week until today and had a major freakout because we were temporarily faced with leaving all 3 girls completely unattended for the whole trip, why do I volunteer to do crafting projects for people. "Oh, you like internal combustion engines? You know, I can knit you a scale Edsel that really works!"

7. My Stupid Mouth II (perception = reality) -- this one gets me. I could rant for weeks on this, but I still have to drive home. Anyhoo. I have the reputation in the office of giving "unclear instructions". This was probably true at first because (1) new to the whole supervisory thing, (2) assumed my subordinates knew more than they actually do [and perhaps ever will. It is tough being omniscient], (3) confused "explaining every molecule of information relating to a case that the person has been working on for weeks and should know anyway" [good] with "talking down to the person" [bad] so my instructions weren't "directive" enough. So, yes, unclear instructions probably true for several months. But not anymore because I send emails with 6-7 lengthy paragraphs of explanation for every "draft this enclosure letter" assignment I give.

But the smell lingers and anytime I don't send the lengthy email explaining life, universe, everything, and I get handed back crap, they assignee gets to say my instructions weren't clear and I get to hear from Dungeon Master about how people are still saying that my instructions aren't clear and I need to work on the perception so they have no where to go and will be forced to give me good work.

Of course, when I write the lengthy explanations and get crap, there is always some dying cat, compelling project for more senior person, or eczema rash to justify that (although Dungeon Master is beginning to see things my way. Love that redlining function!)

8. Dogs that just don't "get it". I love me some Ginger, but she finds creative ways to pee on my carpet every time. I am tired of cleaning the carpet every weekend, but I did it last week and will do it again this week. I suppose i should be glad that she localizes her actions to certain spots, and it isn't the entire living room or wall-to-wall second floor. Anyway, it is fair to say that when we have some extra cheddah, we will be installing hardwood floors throughout house.

9. Husband's Inability to Read Mind. How could he not know I need to go to California next week. It's been in my calendar for weeks. If he really loved me, he would have called my secretary to find out what I had coming up. Or rifled through my planner. Or looked on my Crackberry.

10. People Who are No Fun. Not much to say on this. I like being silly. I like goofiness. I work too many hours to deal with people who are always grumpy. Everyone gets moody and grumpy -- I'm not exactly Miss Mary Sunshine. But I do embrace the absurdity that is life, and hate it when I'm around people who don't even sense that there could be absurdity.

Bleah. Not even going to reread this.

Disclosure/Disclaimer

From daily email lawyer journal:

"Firms that do not have a blogging policy should consider adopting one. At a minimum, bloggers should be prohibited from using offensive language, expressing racist or sexist views or revealing confidential information about the firm. Blogs should also include a disclaimer that the opinions expressed are solely those of the author. Prohibition of any mention of the firm also is appropriate unless the content of the blog is officially approved by the firm."

1. OK, so... I'm not sure I use offensive language aside from the occasional f-bomb (hmm. I did refer to JAPs earlier this week, but only to underscore the fact that to my adolescent self such categories mattered greatly, but they are largely irrelevant to my adult self...)

Well, how's this: I won't curse unless it is a direct quote or it is funny. And my use of offensive, racist or sexist views will be limited to comparative "see-how-I've-grown", ironic usage, or to highlight someone else's offensive, racist or sexist views. Which all you baby-shakers out there know is A-OK.

2. I will not reveal confidential information about The Firm, except that it sometimes sucks to work here. But that isn't confidential, it is characteristic of all firms.

3. The views expressed are solely mine, except when I am purposely taking a different view for fun. But in any event, they are not the Firm's views. Because as far as The Firm is concerned, we're all one big happy family here at The Firm and it never sucks here, unlike at other firms where suckage is de rigeur.

There. Think my is covered?

M. Night Shamalamadingdong

I was forced to sit through The Happening by Thing 1, who is developing an adolescent's interest in watching horror or suspense films, but who won't watch them without me. That said, I think it is time for M. Night to move to Rom/Com because the suspense thing has run its course.

***SPOILER ALERT***

He is dead, the brittle guy caused the accidents, the aliens hate water and his asthma saved him, they live in modern times, I have no freaking idea what the water nymph was about, and the plants did it.

***END OF SPOILER****

Seriously, not 10 minutes into The Happening, I was laughing out loud (much to the displeasure of Thing 1) and singing "It's Raining Men" as scores of construction workers leapt from the top of a skeletal building.

When worlds collide

Bizarro worlds colliding moment yesterday when I logged onto Facebook and saw that Mary O'Connor Smith commented on Jane Stein Doe's page, and I contemplated the apparent fact that Mary O'Connor and Jane Stein know each other. Not just know each other, but have known each other since back when.

You see, Mary O'Connor is the name of someone I hung out with in high school. I knew her from CYO, and not from Port Richmond or Staten Island because everyone from Port Richmond and Staten Island was a guido or a JAP, had stupid big hair and liked bad music; whereas, some people from CYO were cool, albeit scarily preppy by Staten Island standards, and liked decent music. Mary O'Connor was cool, scarily preppy and liked good music. Jane Stein, well, she was from Staten Island and Port Richmond.

Of course, I ran into Jane Stein Doe at our reunion, and had a great old time talking to her because, well my hairstyle and taste of music has ma-toored and I thought perhaps hers had as well. It had. So we're Facebook bffs.

But I never, in a billion years, expected to find out that she and Mary O'Connor were sorority sisters. It's like finding out that Mrs. John (Fanny) Dashwood and Jane Eyre were sorority sisters. OMGWTFBBQ!

Anyway, this revelation resulted in a flurry of emails between me and Coretta, wherein a discovered that many of my high school/early college crushes were obvious Friends of Dorothy. I was completely oblivious at the time, which leads me to conclude that my gaydar must have been set to "Just because he likes Morrissey doesn't necessarily mean anything".