Good Fran, Bad Fran

Is there a way to keep the edge without the abyss?

This is twice in one week. Twice I forgot my happy pills in the morning, and was a much better litigator as a result.

Last week, I got to a deposition and realized I was unmedicated. Well, I couldn't exactly break out the pharmacy in front of counsel and client, so I was flying without a chute. And I was On Fire! Man, the snappy -- yet still civil and professional - retorts were popping out of me like mad. Not a single inconsistency went past me. The deponent was putty in my hands, even if, by the end, I had enough anxious energy to run a marathon.

Today, I had just been revelling over a particularly well-handled conference call with opposing counsel. Again, I was On Fire! I made all my points. I did not equivocate about anything or start any sentence with something like, "Well, of course your client is going to have a different view of the facts and circumstances -- which is expected -- but my client's view of the events from his perspective is blah blah blah blah blah, which is what one would expect him to say. But anyway, that's what our position is. . . " Everything was delivered with the right amount of oomph, innuendo and menacing. But in a good way. And then, I realize: No meds.

I had lunch with a friend right after the depo and contemplated how to harness this power for good. I wondered aloud whether I should omit my meds whenever I have a depo or important oral argument.

Would my career thrive and my family hate me? Do I really care if my client's love me, when I hate myself? Questions, questions.

Depression sucks.