Why you never trust an eye-witness

Unsub's 2-day suspension, from many angles. Monikers have been changed to protect the innocent ... and the guilty


Unsub:

It was a day like any other. A startlingly attractive and witty couple, and their darling, respectful, and pleasant 3-year old daughter were in Oklahoma City to attend the nuptials of a remarkably intelligent nephew to his the lovely and talented betrothed. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Unsub's teacher, Mr. X, sets upon a chain of events that, in retrospect, spelled certain doom. (If Woody had gone straight to the police...).

All of a sudden and without warning, Mr. X decides to move the classroom seats around a week early and for no apparent reason. It had been his practice since September to change the seat configuration on the last Friday of the month, yet here he was, in May, changing seats on the second-to-last Friday of the month. Something was amiss. Unsub inquired about the change in pattern. Mr. X responded, "Why not?"

Wary, Unsub followed the teacher's direction. She lifted her chair to shoulder height, careful to avoid hitting anything as she navigated the narrow space leading to where Mr. X moved her desk. But she could not shake the feeling that only bad things could come from this unexpected chain of events. Yes...something dreadful was just around the corner. She could taste it.

Just then, she heard a noise. Almost like a crunch, but not quite. She turned to see what happened and she heard it again. Then, Mr. X took the chair from her hands. In that moment, the horror of her actions was revealed -- she had hit Tiny Tim with her chair...Twice. Indeed, the very steps she took to avoid hitting anyone in fact caused her to hit Tiny Tim. To quote Darth Vader, "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

But for the fact that Mr. X immediately ordered her to the principal's, she would have fallen to her knees, rended her clothes, and begged forgiveness. Oh! What wretched world!

Mr. X
Unsub was being her usual self -- seething just below the surface. You see, she finishes all of the assignments and lessons first, and takes out a book to read while I teach the rest of the brainless oafs in her class. I guess she's bored. (Actual paraphrase of Mr. X's statement.)

I always move class around at the end of the month. I gave Unsub the choice between a table of four with the collective IQ of 101 and sitting by herself. Unsub chose to sit by herself.

I moved her desk and then I heard a student say, "Gosh, Mr. X, Unsub appears to be saddened by this move. Surely there is something thoughtful and affirming we, her class, can do to make this move more actualizing for our dear Unsub. She is such a troubled soul."

Then I saw Unsub raise the chair over her head and deliver a crushing blow to Tiny Tim. She reared up, raised the chair again and delivered a second blow. Her eyes were wild -- I've never seen such untamed fury. I leapt over the desks and wrested the chair from her hands before she delivered the coup de grace. Poor Tiny Tim will never walk again.

Reality?
Tiny Tim had a red mark on his back parallel to the floor. No skull fracture or subdural hematoma to be found. Looks like Unsub was displeased over the move, and maybe a bit weepy. Tiny Tim made some comment about it, which was at least perceived to be less than complimentary, so Unsub conveniently failed to navigate the chair past Tiny Tim so as to avoid hitting him. She may have even intentionally navigated the chair into Tiny Tim. TWICE.

(Random subreference: "I sat through each filthy, disgusting frame of this film. Twice." Gold star if you can identify the movie.)

Was it worthy of a 2-day suspension? I dunno. Probably. Maybe. On one hand, Tiny Tim's parents weren't even called about the injury, much less an ambulance. Our initial report was the wild-eyed maniac report from the teacher, which is completely incredible. Seriously, if Unsub wanted to harm the little bugger she would have. (See one handed, nail scratch and takedown maneuver that earned Unsub a 1-day suspension in 3rd grade.) On the other hand, Unsub gots to chill.

Looks like a fun and exciting summer of stress and anxiety control techniques! Woo hoo!